Tuesday, April 27, 2010
What is Normal?
I'm tired, I really am. Maybe it's just those random mood swings or something. This has been the most fucked up week I've ever had. It's not life drama or anything, it's just so abnormally surreal that I don't know what to make of it. I don't even know where to start to describe it. At the beginning of the week I knew I had a ton of work ahead of me, I was super pumped to get it all done. I had a nice schedule put out for me to divide up my hobbies and work. My intention was to go quickly and thoroughly through all of my homework and review notes, and then play games and relax. But after I finished my work I didn't play games nor did I watch anime. Instead I just sat there and aimlessly surfed the web like a robot. My body was doing one thing and my mind was doing something else. I was thinking about what to do, and kept looking over to the clock and watched the hours past by. Eventually I picked up the guitar and played til 3 in the morning before I went to sleep.
The next morning I woke up and was like "WTF" out loud. I went to school, then to work, and returned home. This time I didn't study, I just sat there and watched Starcraft commentaries and anime- but I didn't even touch any games. The next day and night were the opposite. What the hell is going on with me... Then I started to go through that "thinking" phase again, FFS I friggin hated it. I sat there drinking tea and just drew in my sketchbook. I didn't sleep at all for 2 days straight, 2 days after that I went to bed at 4 or 5 in the morning everyday. Obviously I couldn't go to class in the morning in that condition, so I missed out on the last few classes of the semester.
Now I'm here sitting in the library trying to figure out why I haven't been myself lately. Today I ran into Connie and we talked for a little bit. We bumped into each other at a pretty bad time though... Well she asked me what I was doing around Downtown Crossing, and I told her I was just walking around- she gave me a funny face and said that I shouldn't be walking around "on a day like this". That totally caught me off guard, I was just walking around aimlessly just thinking about what the hell was going on with my head. I didn't even realized that it was a really cloudy and gloomy out today until she said that. I don't know why but I was really freaked out by it so I told her I had to head off- which I regretted right after because 1. it felt a little rude to not talk a bit more with someone you haven't seen in a while and 2. I kind of needed someone to talk to, not about my weird mental crisis but just to have a normal conversation. After I ran away =_= I went to Chinatown to get some Avocado Bubble Tea and met one of my economics classmates. I had never ever talked to him before but he greeted me nonetheless, and I greeted him as casually as I could. I actually really enjoyed talking to him, he was my kinda guy to talk to. I'm positive that we could have been great friends, but we had only just started talking today... at the end of the semester...
So I went home, on my way home I tried to figure out what was bothering me in a logical fashion. The days and nights when I was just acting abnormally, I felt very lost, very frustrated, and very confused. I'm not saying I was depressed or anything because I really wasn't, I just sat there trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me, why the hell would I suddenly lose the spirit to study, go to school, and play games? Plus I'm very biased towards the topic of depression, I've got that "Man up, and move on" sort of attitude towards it- hence why I sat there trying to figure out a way to fix myself rather than dwelling on it like a diseased shellfish. But I couldn't figure it out at all until I had a few hints from that afternoon. When I bumped into Herman and Connie I felt happy to see them unconsciously even though in my mind in the moment I was more like "o.o Er..uh... wut... oh heeeey! * =] * ". So why is it that I felt better once I started to talk to other people?
My goal after high school was to live a normal and uneventful life. I didn't want to go to parties or anything, I just wanted to live normally. Go to school, study, work, go home relax, hang out with friends once in a while, and enjoy what I love to do on the side. Hmm.. but now I see that my friends department has been lacking compared to everything else. What is Normal? Really what is it...? If what I typed up above me is the definition for a normal life then shouldn't I be fine with that?
Here's what I've come up with: Everything I've experienced and gained this year in terms of School - Work - Hobbies has increased in value. A simpler way to put it is that say for example: in high school my nominal values of school, work, and hobbies could be measured in monetary units (at least for this example)- So School would be worth $50, work could be measured by $40 and hobbies at $100, these values are adjusted according to how happy I am with those categories in my life. This is an extremely macro-economical way of thinking so it's a good brain exercise. This year these values have increased to the following: School - $100 Work - $60 Hobbies - $300. So basically this year I'm happy with classes I take, work is less of a pain, and I thoroughly enjoy my hobbies a lot more than I did last year. So I should be significantly happier right? Well I found that there's another category, my social life. In High School my friends were around me all the time, in college, all my old friends are scattered, and after seeing Connie and then Herman right after, I realized that I have made ZERO new friends in college. I made myself realized that just talking to them in class is not okay. I need to make real new friends that I can consistently talk to about school-life and other things in general while I commute or just walk around Boston like I did today. My social Life last year: $150 My Social life this year: $50- Conclusion? I occasionally talk to old friends but no longer have any solid friends to talk to consistently.
So the deficit of happiness in my Social department may be the problem here (I logically think to myself...) I only have myself to blame for that... Just focusing on school and coming home to play isn't enough I guess. Everyone has their own version of happiness. I'm probably still too young to figure out my version of it, but little by little I'll figure it out, and once I do I can start getting to work on making it. Ya know what, this is why its good to blog. As cheesy as I find it to blog about this shit, it really does help. Blog first for yourself before others. I remember when I used to use xanga, I would try to make it more popular, I socialize with total strangers like 100 times a day for that interweb attention. So stupid. It's another reason why I despise using facebook, networking is fine (that's why I have to use it) but I get the feeling that a lot of people use it for that publicity factor.Ugh, well I'm just biased in that area so *shrug* w/e. I took my blogger link off it recently, I wanted it there just incase people were curious about what I was up to- which was good for the first few weeks but then the wrong people started reading it, and its just really embarrassing....
I feel better now. I really do. But sometimes I feel a little crazy when I think about this stuff, but I need to remember that I'm not alone in this matter. A lot of people have these kinds of problems too... Thank god I'm smart enough to take care of myself, even if its through blogging (so lame imo) =_=. Well what to do now... maybe now I can get some sleep, my face is really puffy from the lack of sleep. I'm still a little confused, but things should work out somehow...