Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Life as an Introvert

今を生きて-Asian Kung-Fu Generation
This song is notoriously hard to find...
http://musicpvmw.blog86.fc2.com/blog-entry-8528.html

I've been a fan of that band for so many years now... I probably love them the same way middle aged people love classic rock.
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Lately I've been coming to terms with a lot of things in my life or at least I think I have. Nothing seems to be in the ”100% certainty category” anymore, especially because I've been contemplating "Life" in general (sometimes I feel like a mountain hermit). My world is small and feels closed off, but really it isn't all that closed off at all.

For the past 2 weeks I haven't talked to my IRL friends very much. Besides a few instances of Facebook or Skype chat, I have been keeping to myself. After reading a forum thread about introverts I realized how many points made in the opening post rang true to me. I've always known that I was an introvert but I never really delved into it and examined myself in that light. Basically this is how it goes. Introverts are not anti-social, they just have a short battery life when it comes to socializing. The way I compare myself to that is how I go out and go party on rare occasions or something as simple as going for lunch with my mates. I can't do it often but I relish the time I spend with my friends when I do. But too much exposure is stifling. I hate myself for doing it sometimes, but I just shut myself in. When my battery is recharged, I come back out of my cave refreshed and ready to take in another dose of "Life".

Coming to terms with that has been difficult. However in the past few weeks of shutting myself in, I've made a few peculiar acquaintances online. Playing an old game called Quake, now remade as Quake Live, I joined a clan on a whim and met some interesting people. This wouldn't have been possible if I had been playing more mainstream games such as SC2 or LoL. Quake is over a decade old, and so there are quite a few older players still playing it. 

I've been happily talking to a 38 year old father, an odd gamer lady of 27 years of age, a guy just slightly older than I working night shifts in tech support, and your typical 15 year old kid. Quite the combination isn't it? I'm used to talking to my usual mates over Skype, because well, I've known them for years and I know them IRL. But this was obviously a new experience for me. 

I still drink. No "buts" about it, I just drink because I enjoy it and it doesn't seem like I'm getting away from it anytime soon... But it's really nice to have a drinking buddy. Even though its over a voice chat haha. Even so,  the experience of drinking with someone online is very real, or surreal I should say. The 38 year old father and I seem to get along quite well, we share our stories, talk about the game we play, we drink, and most importantly we laugh. Plus the fact that there are other members of the clan in the same voice channel makes it all the more merrier. The fact that I could interact with all these different types of people made it very "fun" for me. 

So what's the point of all this? I guess I've begun to accept myself a little more. Lately I've only been trying to change myself, which just isn't working. I don't operate the same way as other people do. My bro and his girlfriend go out so often, I look at that and shake my head and say "No, sorry, that's just not for me." I feel like if I want to go on with life without feeling restless and full of anxiety, I would need to correctly identify with myself. The foundation for my life has already been laid down, that is something I cannot change. Right now I just need to slowly lay down the bricks and understand each and every one of them.

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  2. Ive only just rediscovered AkFG , sorry for the slow reply, life has been really weird tbh, i've changed alot, im not sure for the good or the bad, I'm glad you're trying to understand yourself , I hope it goes well :) thanks for getting in touch, I was wondering whether or not to blog again :) I hoe you're ok. Let's keep in touch :)

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  3. Hey Snug-kun~

    I have the exact same...well habit. I kind of like staying at home, even if it's boring and stuff ( but I have Tuition classes that save me from the depression that comes with saying at home , because of some people that I do not enjoy company with)...because I get to do things at my own pace, like writing or drawing. The period I do these things varies, it could be as short as 10 minutes, to all of 2 hours just sitting there like a rock. And I hate being disturbed.


    But the other reason why I don't leave the house is there are only a few friends that live in my area of the neigbourhood * most of them live up the hill, close to my school* And the fact that I end up being a wallflower in a party, who stares into space or is busy drawing/writing at one corner of the room while the others are doing...well, what they do at parties. Always been the case.

    Me and my dad share that trait, because most of the parties we end up going to are of my mom's relatives...and there're no people who interest us so we always end up sitting side by side, quietly watching the others go on as they do. One time, both of us ended up sleeping for a good hour. It was a nice nap, although I was half-awake the whole time any my neck hurt after that.

    Actually, you don't really need to change yourself ( unless you have become an actual Hikimori, then you need help) and as you said, the socialising life isn't for you. You don't always need to stick your neck out to do stuff, unless you want a whole 180 and you're in the Switch Girl manga, only you're in ON mode always and throw away the OFF mode in the dustbin. But that wouldn't be good, you're surely regret it.

    Seiichiro Sano

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