Life as an Introvert

今を生きて－Asian Kung-Fu Generation

This song is notoriously hard to find...

http://musicpvmw.blog86.fc2.com/blog-entry-8528.html

I've been a fan of that band for so many years now... I probably love them the same way middle aged people love classic rock.

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Lately I've been coming to terms with a lot of things in my life or at least I think I have. Nothing seems to be in the ”100% certainty category” anymore, especially because I've been contemplating "Life" in general (sometimes I feel like a mountain hermit). My world is small and feels closed off, but really it isn't all that closed off at all.

For the past 2 weeks I haven't talked to my IRL friends very much. Besides a few instances of Facebook or Skype chat, I have been keeping to myself. After reading a forum thread about introverts I realized how many points made in the opening post rang true to me. I've always known that I was an introvert but I never really delved into it and examined myself in that light. Basically this is how it goes. Introverts are not anti-social, they just have a short battery life when it comes to socializing. The way I compare myself to that is how I go out and go party on rare occasions or something as simple as going for lunch with my mates. I can't do it often but I relish the time I spend with my friends when I do. But too much exposure is stifling. I hate myself for doing it sometimes, but I just shut myself in. When my battery is recharged, I come back out of my cave refreshed and ready to take in another dose of "Life".

Coming to terms with that has been difficult. However in the past few weeks of shutting myself in, I've made a few peculiar acquaintances online. Playing an old game called Quake, now remade as Quake Live, I joined a clan on a whim and met some interesting people. This wouldn't have been possible if I had been playing more mainstream games such as SC2 or LoL. Quake is over a decade old, and so there are quite a few older players still playing it. 

I've been happily talking to a 38 year old father, an odd gamer lady of 27 years of age, a guy just slightly older than I working night shifts in tech support, and your typical 15 year old kid. Quite the combination isn't it? I'm used to talking to my usual mates over Skype, because well, I've known them for years and I know them IRL. But this was obviously a new experience for me. 

I still drink. No "buts" about it, I just drink because I enjoy it and it doesn't seem like I'm getting away from it anytime soon... But it's really nice to have a drinking buddy. Even though its over a voice chat haha. Even so,  the experience of drinking with someone online is very real, or surreal I should say. The 38 year old father and I seem to get along quite well, we share our stories, talk about the game we play, we drink, and most importantly we laugh. Plus the fact that there are other members of the clan in the same voice channel makes it all the more merrier. The fact that I could interact with all these different types of people made it very "fun" for me. 

So what's the point of all this? I guess I've begun to accept myself a little more. Lately I've only been trying to change myself, which just isn't working. I don't operate the same way as other people do. My bro and his girlfriend go out so often, I look at that and shake my head and say "No, sorry, that's just not for me." I feel like if I want to go on with life without feeling restless and full of anxiety, I would need to correctly identify with myself. The foundation for my life has already been laid down, that is something I cannot change. Right now I just need to slowly lay down the bricks and understand each and every one of them.

Professors

I wish that there were more capable professors in my university. Or at least I would hope that I would be more likely to stumble across them. The problem I find with my experience is that I have never been challenged on a consistent basis. My last post was on my quip about how easy Information systems was. I don't want to sound so repetitive but the course work was not very demanding at all- even when the professor said it was going to be demanding, or maybe that's because I'm so damn comfortable doing presentations and coming up with ideas for a project in a case-study.

Today marks the last day I will spend in an Accounting course, besides doing the Final (I also noticed I begin blogging when Finals roll around, lol) next week. The professor I had for the course was exceptional. I enjoyed it despite hating Accounting through and through with all my heart. I like it when professors actually give a workload that you would just about expect going into "coolidge". Not to say that this isn't the case at many other universities and different fields, but being a business major, you just don't get enough work. I feel like there's still room for small projects, or just anything to tickle your brain. The brain needs activity, some stimulation.

I like to look at it like I look at running long distance. You can't just get out there and run 6 - 10 miles a day and act like it's nothing. It's easy once you've built up that endurance and the know-how of doing so. In real life there will be many times when you will be stressed.and you'll just want to quit. Sure there are people out there who can just keep chugging along and do their thing, but there's so many more who cannot. "Stress Test" that's what I'd like to call it. School should be a stress test, if you can handle the stresses in school life, and even develop enough maturity to grasp the reality of it all and subdue that stress, then you're going to have better approach to life than most.

But yes, unfortunately we all haven't had this type of education, or maybe we simply weren't disciplined enough to take it. In my case I certainly wasn't disciplined enough. In high school all I ever did was sleep in class, I probably clocked the most hours slept in school in my year. So I never had to deal with much stress besides tensions with my family members. So as a result I had the problem many of us have, procrastination, the avoidance of something that is causing you stress even though you have to face it sooner or later. Learning to deal with it is not an easy process, it takes time for most. Gradually however we begin to realize that doing shit sooner rather than later is so much better than do it last minute.

However I'm a bit of a hypocrite since writing this blog when things need to be done is technically procrastinating haha.