今を生きて－Asian Kung-Fu Generation
This song is notoriously hard to find...
Lately I've been coming to terms with a lot of things in my life or at least I think I have. Nothing seems to be in the ”100% certainty category” anymore, especially because I've been contemplating "Life" in general (sometimes I feel like a mountain hermit). My world is small and feels closed off, but really it isn't all that closed off at all.
For the past 2 weeks I haven't talked to my IRL friends very much. Besides a few instances of Facebook or Skype chat, I have been keeping to myself. After reading a forum thread about introverts I realized how many points made in the opening post rang true to me. I've always known that I was an introvert but I never really delved into it and examined myself in that light. Basically this is how it goes. Introverts are not anti-social, they just have a short battery life when it comes to socializing. The way I compare myself to that is how I go out and go party on rare occasions or something as simple as going for lunch with my mates. I can't do it often but I relish the time I spend with my friends when I do. But too much exposure is stifling. I hate myself for doing it sometimes, but I just shut myself in. When my battery is recharged, I come back out of my cave refreshed and ready to take in another dose of "Life".
Coming to terms with that has been difficult. However in the past few weeks of shutting myself in, I've made a few peculiar acquaintances online. Playing an old game called Quake, now remade as Quake Live, I joined a clan on a whim and met some interesting people. This wouldn't have been possible if I had been playing more mainstream games such as SC2 or LoL. Quake is over a decade old, and so there are quite a few older players still playing it.
I've been happily talking to a 38 year old father, an odd gamer lady of 27 years of age, a guy just slightly older than I working night shifts in tech support, and your typical 15 year old kid. Quite the combination isn't it? I'm used to talking to my usual mates over Skype, because well, I've known them for years and I know them IRL. But this was obviously a new experience for me.
I still drink. No "buts" about it, I just drink because I enjoy it and it doesn't seem like I'm getting away from it anytime soon... But it's really nice to have a drinking buddy. Even though its over a voice chat haha. Even so, the experience of drinking with someone online is very real, or surreal I should say. The 38 year old father and I seem to get along quite well, we share our stories, talk about the game we play, we drink, and most importantly we laugh. Plus the fact that there are other members of the clan in the same voice channel makes it all the more merrier. The fact that I could interact with all these different types of people made it very "fun" for me.
So what's the point of all this? I guess I've begun to accept myself a little more. Lately I've only been trying to change myself, which just isn't working. I don't operate the same way as other people do. My bro and his girlfriend go out so often, I look at that and shake my head and say "No, sorry, that's just not for me." I feel like if I want to go on with life without feeling restless and full of anxiety, I would need to correctly identify with myself. The foundation for my life has already been laid down, that is something I cannot change. Right now I just need to slowly lay down the bricks and understand each and every one of them.