Friday, March 23, 2012


It's been a year.

So much can happen in a year its quite shocking. Sometimes you just need an outlet to gather up your thoughts, because storing them up all in your head will create a huge mess.

I guess I was a lot more immature than I originally thought I was. Or maybe I was mature, but not mature enough in certain areas of my persona. By nature I was really laid-back. Really laid-back. Now it has come back to haunt me. The truth is you can't live a life with a laid-back attitude. It simply doesn't work. I tried, and forced my way of living for so long that the repercussions of it are bringing me to the brink of... insanity perhaps? Well I don't know, but it's a god awful feeling.

So what have I been doing this past year... Well to start off I've made some improvements in my life, particularly in my academia. My grades were absolute shit during my sophomore year, for no good reason. Now as I try to salvage my GPA and bring it up to a reasonable level, so that my employers don't crumple and throw away my resume, it's nearly an impossible task- but very doable. So okay I'm getting back in line with my fellow students who want to succeed in life.

Good... right? No, there are still other things I have not dealt with yet. I've always been internally conflicted. I don't have anyone to talk to, not even my family since I've done such a wonderful job isolating myself from them. I cringe as I look back on my other blog posts. I think I'm a decently interesting character a year ago, still full of dreams, ideas, all stemming from my light-hearted high school days.

Adults have to be boring in some way or another. I can feel myself getting boring. Today was the worst.

It's like a foot race between you and reality. When you're young and bright you've got tons of energy. Reality being as old as the human race itself has quite the cumbersome pace. So naturally you're flying way ahead of reality, it's almost as if it'll never catch up to you. But as you get older and lose energy yourself, reality starts to catch up. Eventually it'll be mouth breathing down your neck, ready to bring you down.

I never really blogged at all this past year. I guess because my life was starting to look pretty good. Up until now things were looking amazing. I'm doing well in school, despite the shit GPA. I work out on a regular basis finally. I've also given more attention to my personal appearance, buying new trendy clothes to spice up my wardrobe.

I should have known something was going to crawl out to shit on my face. Actually I did know, but I never actually confronted it. Now my entire lifestyle is in jeopardy. Tonight I have to tell my father the bad news. I hate to break the good relations we have had the past few months, but fuck my life I guess terrible dramatic things are inevitable.

All I ever wanted... was to live a carefree life. I bet everyone does. But the definition of carefree is very deceptive. To what standard does your "carefree" hold up to? If I truly want to live a peaceful life, marry a wonderful woman, have a family- I need to fucking sit up in my chair and stare my demons straight in the eye and tell 'em that I'm ready to play.

1 comment:

  1. i'm sorry to hear about this, i hope you feel better. the blogging world is always here to hear and listen to you, so please don't feel alone, I know it's easier said than but try not to let one thing knock you down. I have no idea what it is so sorry if that sounded insensitive, but stay positive? sometimes thats the only thing that you can really do.