Saturday, December 1, 2012

This Blog

Yeah, I knew it was nice to keep this blog. I don't post anything much anymore which is plainly obvious here but having that thought in the back of my mind that it is here is nice.

It's almost like it was yesterday when I first started "coolidge". Up to this point many things have changed... and many things haven't. I try to approach this blog with positive outlooks. I've noticed during my freshmen year I was a little overly pessimistic and unrealistically ambitious. To counter balance it all, I became more optimistic and far less mister conquistador. But that didn't work out either, I became lethargic and stupid. So once again I have come to this blog again with my mind full of regrets and restless thoughts.

If I had a timeline, with an embedded graph gauging how much maturity I had over the years even including high school, it'd  be a horrible looking upward climb to where I am now. When I look back it's like goddammit what the hell was I thinking? Whether it was years ago, or a few months ago, the question had remained the same.

Pessimism is a necessity, optimism is a luxury, and ambition is something you can have once you understand the first two concepts. That's something I've come up with in order to better protect myself.

When I look around me and I see happy people, I suddenly realize that only 1% or most likely 0% of these people are actually happy. There's always something egging their minds. There is always something. For a select few their issues may be jokingly called "First World Problems" but for many others it's far more morbid. More likely they are only smiling to protect their sanity. Depressing ain't it.

I used to set personal goals for myself. Whether it was drawing, writing, gaming... I do it for a while but now I can't seem to focus entirely one single personal self-improvement project. After a bit of thought I'm thinking to myself "Is this what I really want to do?" The thing about that question is that I believe it may be a trick question. I've answered this in the past with the logic: if it is something you enjoy doing, do it and keep doing it!; but I didn't answer the whole question. Is this what I really want - that is what needs to be taken under consideration. I can't answer that right off the top of my head, it is one of those damned philosophical questions that can't be completely answered through logic and rich linguistics. I think that this can be only answered with actions and once the dust has settled, the thought of "Is this what I really want" should never come up unless someone walks up to you and asks you that specific question. You simply just keep doing it. And in writing this I realize that people can do this already are truly blessed. Without being able to understand this concept I feel like you're just doomed to some empty feeling in your Heart sooner or later in life.

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