November 2021

 Where am I now?

Currently I am a Marine Propulsions Engineer, sorta, I specialize in the PLC and Electrical aspects of the house. Well actually I'm more like a technician, I should start working on the actual engineering design side of the house eventually if I want to get ahead.

Last time I looked at this blog I had just joined the Navy. It's been a good and hard 7 years now. Gained tons of friends and lost some friends. That's life I guess. The priorities I have in life are so different now. Looking at this blog I remember now that at one point I did have a passion in art. Had dreams of creating my own comics/manga/whatever you wanna call it nowadays. But art to me now is in the engineering world, that's where I find the most satisfaction, luckily I can make a good living out of it.

Time has flown by and my old friends from home have moved on with life. Some old friends have drifted off, some precious few have remained. I've made it a point now to strengthen those bonds because let's face it, chances are I won't have close friends like them ever again. 

I live in a nice large duplex all by myself. I'm proud of how far I've come. Going from struggling in a family with complicated problems, to a barracks room for years, then finally moving out to an actual place I could call home. At first I had roommates to help cut costs, but with the help of promotions and a decent raise I can comfortably afford a place all on my own. This is a luxury I'm sure. I understand many people aren't able to afford a decent flat without a roommate. 

It is lonely. I've been quite alone for a few months now. I did live alone when I was working on the West Coast, but I had fantastic friends to hang out with every weekend. Now I have very recently moved to the East Coast for work. While my quality of life has increased more, my social network has disappeared. I miss the BBQs we had each weekend, or the restaurant sprawl we would get into. 

I've traveled enough. I'm tired of it now. I lived 3 years in Japan, traveled all around the states for work, and at times, for leisure. It's out of my system. Although maybe traveling around Europe might reignite my taste for adventure. But as of right now I'm very comfortable just staying at home, finding my new hobby in cooking and housekeeping! Sounds lame, yes, but it's a very productive and enjoyable lifestyle. Hah, I've turned into the boring adult I never thought I'd become but... I like it. 

The few years in the Navy that got a little too hectic and violent was enough for me. I understand why now people enjoy the peace of a normal life. However, that does not mean I will not strive to earn and learn more. Being stagnant is not a way of life for me. Hey me, do not forget that, always continue to LIVE. 

On my free time aside from the cooking and the cleaning, I still play games. But the hours I've spent are significantly reduced compared to my younger years. I don't know how it happened. Maybe I got tired of it, or maybe I just could not find the same excitement as I used to have when I played when I was younger. I still do read manga on the other hand, and in recent years I've also read a boatload of light novels. Losing yourself in another world is quite fun. Honestly it's the few hobbies I have left that I lose myself in.

That's really it. I'm a simple man now, content with what he has. Material things don't amount to much for me anymore. Instead its the social things I miss the most. Going out to eat with friends, exploring events, meeting new people- honestly even having a random conversation when I go out for errands is quite nice. It is quite nice.

12/26/2016

Still alive I guess. It seems like my last entry was made just around the same time as this one.

 Kyoto, Japan

I've spent a good amount of time in Japan now. Well over a year huh. Looking back I was super excited to be here. Don't get me wrong I am still happy to be living in Japan. It's just that the initial excitement has long worn off, and at the moment, work is my primary focus.

Loneliness has settled pretty darn well this Holiday season. I suppose I'm going through one of my "down" phases as I like to term them now. Occasionally I'll go into a manic happy frenzy and then quietly cool down and reflect a little. I think it's good that I chose this time of reflection to record these thoughts.

Of all the random hobbies I've picked up, drawing, playing guitar, piano, gaming, anime- I'm really glad I picked up photography. It's something I still do and enjoy thoroughly with no regrets whatsoever. Gaming and anime has gone away considerably. I don't know if that has to do with something with me being older or just bored. I hopped on the PC to do some gaming with friends in the first time in what seemed like months. Anime is too unrealistic to me now for me to really enjoy, especially the high school oriented ones. If anything it's the manga with more mature and thought provoking themes that get my attention. Still, it has taken a massive back burner.

It's weird being able to claim this photo as my own work.

My photography skills have increased over the year. It took a lot of different facets of the craft to improve myself as a whole. First you need to get out and take the picture, which is quite difficult sometimes. Then you need to take a lot of pictures, which is also difficult unless you're flying solo. After that there's a multitude of basic photography skills to make a decent picture: settings, composition, lighting, judging your work, post processing. In fact I only just picked post processing not to long ago, wish I had done so sooner. 

One of the many shrines in Kyoto

Anyways my main gripe for today, or tonight (or this early early morning? 3 AM) is the intense feeling of melancholy I have after going through another year of holidays without my family. It's not the feeling of loneliness that gets me now... no it's the feeling that I can get used to this (I have a very strange feeling I have said this in the past...). That is what is bothering me right now. While it is normal for others to have a large family occasion for these holidays, I am sitting here feeling rather content with a pot of green tea and some relaxing tunes to listen to. For this to be my norm is what frightens me.

Maybe I have had to much time to myself to think. Typically if I were working normally I would be way too focused on getting my work done than to think about my current situation like this. I would go through the work day with only that in mind and then turning my sailor switch off to relax at home with whatever home remedies I had on hand (beer, games, food, etc.). 

Including today I have another 3 days and 2 nights to enjoy at my leisure. I plan on heading out on a short trip to somewhere in Chiba, to see some rural scenic areas that I heard of. Last time I went was when I went to visit Mt. Nokogiri. In any case, another photo trip can only benefit me mentally and spiritually. I still can't sort myself out even after coming to the land of my dreams (hilarious really). Perhaps all I can do is find whatever method it takes to keep me content will as little regret as possible.

Over a year later

My my, so much can change in a year.

So where am I now? Instead of the marines I made somewhat of an intelligent decision and joined the Navy instead (I wish I had joined the USAF or USCG). There I'm working as an engineer for the main propulsion system. There is a lot of stability working for the government although as an enlisted member, its stressful... really stressful. However, with all the happenings in the past year I've landed myself in Japan. Yes, JAPAN. I live here, and I love it. God do I love it. Over the months here I've counted my blessings over and over. Ever since the day I left A school and made my way to home and then over to Japan I couldn't stop feeling so happy.

It is very difficult to describe the happiness you can feel from accomplishing a life goal such as this. In fact I can reflect on it a bit as I always have with this blog. This blog has been around since my early college days. Before that I was a major Japanophile. Slowly as adulthood came along I lost my way, and lost sight of the nice fluffy dreams I had in my teenage years. I was still interested in Japanese culture but the passion I once had for it was lost. So as you can imagine, coming to this country as a resident was a really eye-opening life event for me. My negative ways were already pretty much diminished at that point in stark contrast to some of my older posts here on blogspot...

Now I really am a 24 year old man. I got through all the trials and tribulations of early adolescence and made it out just fine.

My interests nowadays have changed a little bit. I've kept some of my old hobbies, and picked up new ones. I picked up the guitar again, particularly for deployment. When you're out at sea you can get very bored, like dangerously bored if you're not constantly working. With nothing else to do out there but play my guitar I managed to improve more than ever at it. But I think the biggest thing I've added to my list of hobbies would be PHOTOGRAPHY. Holy crap.

I didn't even realize at the time when I picked it up that I relied heavily on stock pictures for projects, these blog posts, or just general viewing pleasure.

 

I now have HUNDREDS of these photos that I can proudly claim as my own original content. If you want to count my other photos, then its easily well over a thousand photos so far. Photography itself is a very therapeutic activity as it is fun. Its a craft in its own right, it is very difficult to capture an image that will impress people. To impress the photography community itself it'd take years of practice. But I do really think I can make photography into a nice part time job on the side of my duties. After a few years of practice, a nice portfolio, and some better gear, its not impractical to make a few bucks off of it. Way more realistic than becoming a manga artist hahaha (aah yeah I don't think that's gonna fly anymore...). Plus I love it. Its like the creative side of my brain has been revived.


There's so much to talk about. Boot camp, A school, and of course Japan and the numerous other Asian countries I've been able to visit. All along the way I experienced so much maturity in myself. Over the course of one year I watched myself grow into someone I can be proud of. Man its really really something. Well off to get some Gyudon and biiru, yup one of the perks of Japan is that I can eat Japanese food straight from the source anytime I want, WOO!

Sushi and a Date with a Girl

Sushi!

Okay this was a picture from a previous sushi night, I don't take pictures of food, usually the girls do but they haven't uploaded the pictures yet. From time to time my friends like to get together to have a massive sushi dinner. Usually I buy some fish and some snacks while the others buy other ingredients like avocados or shrimp. 

We probably had about 7lbs or more worth of sushi... It was A LOT of food. This was probably to compensate for the fact that the last time we had sushi we didn't make enough to fill us all up, except this time around we had half the amount of big eaters. I'm sure I only ate maybe about 2 lbs with beer before I threw in the towel. There was just sooo much left over. We really could've used a few bros to help out, and of course the girls only pecked at the food and enjoyed their thai tea. 

More girls need to realize that lifting won't make them big, but tight and sexy,

Saturday night before my date was my heavy squat day. It's amazing sometimes when I look back and see how far I've come in a year of training, and then becoming humbled by the fact that I still much more strength to gain in the years to come. Every serious lifter remembers his or her first lift. I still think back to the time when I first squatted a plate, 135 lbs and how hard it was. Yesterday I put up two plates, 225 lbs, and it felt just as hard. I did 225 for a triple while having failed 220 on my 5RM the week prior, so really that triple was brutally intense. Despite being used to squatting every other day my body still felt sore the day after that lift.

Unfortunately I got to the gym straight out from work, leaving me with only half an hour. After finishing the main dish I went straight for the dumbbells to get a pump in my delts and biceps. Gotta get that pump for my girl :)

This is the movie that we watched. It wasn't all that great :(

I'm still surprised at the fact that I'm taking this girl out on a date. Sometimes I find myself wondering how she feels about me so far although she gives me so many signals during our date. Perhaps it is the fact that she gives so many signals that it confuses me a bit. I haven't been this intimate with a female in such a long time. Not only that but the very last time I was genuinely interested in another girl I think was in junior year of university, and at the time I had already known of this girl just from working with her in class. With this girl, I pretty much started it off with a blind date after getting her number in the club. It was definitely a new experience, and it boosted my self-confidence even further knowing that I can pull these kinds of things off now. 

However, yet again I feel so silly for being so curious about whether or not she's interested in me. The reason I think it's so silly is because she's been so bubbly around me, plenty of touching and some rubbing during our movie date. I love the theater we had gone to because of how the seats were practically made for couples to cuddle with each other. That made it really easy for us to enjoy each others company. Anyways, I'm just not sure what this girl's deal is quite yet. I can only blame my inexperience for that. But I am having fun with her, I can't wait go to the club with her this weekend. 

Even as an introvert I would have to admit that dating and having a girl to talk to is... fun :)

Cleaning Up

I thought I'd wait longer before coming back to this blog but I figured with what's been going lately now would be a good time to record my thoughts and feelings.

Lately I've fallen in love with these piano songs...

Looking back at my decision to take a step out of line of what is expected of an Asian-American bachelor (get your degree, job, save money, get married) I still do believe that there was no better alternative for me. Mental health, life experience, overall maturity- these factors I feel should be taken very seriously when deciding on what to do with your life. 

I must say, my decision to just join the Marines was a bit hasty, but the idea of joining the military was well thought out. Rather than the Marines, I decided to join the Navy instead with the prospect of getting good trade/work experience there...Marines on the other hand are a little more about killing people...

One of the Great Lakes in Ohio, where I basic training will be.

Hard to believe that this is a lake.

Besides the military stuff, a whole lot has happened. As always I learned and matured. It's odd how I find myself in an epiphany at one point in the year only to hit a new milestone in just the next year. There's always something about myself I could critique and reflect on. Maybe that's just how life is. 

Now in 2014, 22 years old now. I've achieved a new level of self-awareness,  self-confidence, strength & stamina, and a bit more discipline. Things like cooking and being more social are areas in my well being where I managed to get out of my comfort zone. I've gone as far as to go on a trip to the club, bring a girl out on a date, visit and hang out with my buddies on almost a weekly basis. This did a lot for my mental health. I can vaguely remember how in the past I would simply just keep to myself and not bother with speaking with my friends for weeks on end. Sure I am still an introvert, but it felt great to have people who I felt comfortable texting to and having a little bit of social interaction no matter how small it may be.

Today I cleaned my room. It's about time I did. Even with all the self-reflecting mumbo jumbo I did, my room was still a mess. Before I would at least take the time to clean up on a weekly basis but over time that routine had faded away and I ended just cleaning when things got out of hand... And yes I did clean again this time because my messy room had gotten out of hand. 

Fortunately I feel like I'm much more capable of taking on this issue. One of the things that I've realized now is that if you're unhappy or unsatisfied with something or your situation- you do have the power to change it. It's all the matter of actually taking charge and getting it done. A little easier said than done of course but I guess I've taught myself over time that I can change the way I live if I really just stuck to it for a few weeks (this stems directly from lifting). So although normally on a Thursday night after work I would be laying on my bed (the only clean place in my room) reading or watching something, I finally took the liberty today to do some intense cleaning. 

And there's still plenty left to clean. Especially with clothes. I would have to say that having an excessive amount of clothing sitting all over the place would one of the biggest leads to a messy room. Because hey, if you can't see or feel your messy floor then you'd feel fine right? Well it's still a mess, and if left untouched for long enough... it's just gross. Hopefully by this Sunday I will be able to go out and buy some nice containers from IKEA or somewhere cheap to get everything labeled and organized.  

Life

Since the last time I've blogged I've been through a lot. There's just something magical about the world we live in. In the past 4 years I've spent in college, examining myself, reexamining myself, looking at the world, and now finally accepting the world for what it is- I realized that it all up to me to decide my fate and where I go in life. It's not just about being a deep introvert constantly thinking about things, there's a whole other world out there that we don't know about.

I think a few months after my last blog I had begun having some very bad anxiety issues... That spring semester that I had gone through went extremely badly. The reason? The realization that I cannot continue with the lifestyle I had been living in the next oncoming years. Things were going to change, whether I liked it or not.

As I pulled myself out of this phase, I once again understood how little I had experienced with "living". I realized that nearly everyone around my age was going through the same thing, unless of course their circumstances greatly differed from mine. But for the most part, nearly all my friends and acquaintances seem to have been going through a period in their lives where they start to really worry for their future as I had. Nearly all of my friends that I had in high school ended up enjoying the club life, parties, and weekly trips to the bar. I too enjoyed them to some extent, but I never had constant streams of pics of myself at fancy clubs as some of them had. Some are still partying, some have gone off the radar, those that have gone off the radar are most likely going through what I went through.

I uttered the words out my mouth "I'm finally 21!" before and now I'm telling myself "Holy shit I'm 21, I have another 9 years before I'm 30". Countries have different regulations concerning the official age of adulthood, but the transition from teenage adolescent to a fully conscientious adult is unfathomably huge. There are people who do indeed reach that stage early in their lives, but for most others it may take much longer, in unfortunate cases, some don't ever get to that point in their lives even venturing in to their middle-ages. But it's this transition that's so important to become truly happy with yourself in life.

Mmm this blog has been coming off very preachy. The reason for all this revelation is all because of how I pulled myself out of my rut. I spent the past few years constantly re-examining myself, as is evident on the history of this blog. I had my retarded moments, my crappy epiphanies, and dark times when I just looked out the window and only saw black and white.

I realized it was time to move on. And take on the world for what it is instead of just isolating myself. Recently in my life I've be going through some huge up swings. I landed myself an excellent position in an IT department at a rapidly growing company, and I've made a HUGE decision for myself when I graduate from school.

I've decided to enlist myself as a Marine Officer after graduation. This is an option for grad students as most others have join the Marines as "enlisted". Marines coming out of boot camp are FIT. Much more so than any other branch, making it a very respectable branch. They're the branch of our military that is on the front lines before the army and the everything else. That said it isn't easy to join, and it certainly is not easy to excel. I only feel that I will be happy if I can put myself to such a challenge and come out of it successful, anything less and I'll be back to the same joe schmoe I was and many other people are. 

I've already started preparing, adding tons of cardio to my weight lifting routine. Basically along with lifting I'm running 3 miles nearly everyday, and over the course of the next few weeks I'll be upping that mileage to improve my time during the 3 mile run for the real deal. I can say for a fact that I have never been so physically and mentally healthy in my life until now. Getting that office job, 9 - 5, AIR CONDITIONING (note I worked in a sweat shop beforehand), has been a huge morale booster. Took me months to land a job, glad it all paid off.

Pretty much everything that you have witnessed in this blog site was my growth of maturity through college. EVERYONE will go through this, not just as I have but in their own ways. You're not ready for life just coming out of high school, especially if you haven't lived with a lot of true hardship in your life. You will continue to grow through your 4 years of college. You may be like my friends, partying all the time, going to bars, or simply just traveling every goddamn corner of the world. But eventually things around you will settle down, and you'll have to THINK just as I have about where you really want to go with your life. Even for people who believe they have it all figured out, they don't, there will always be so many challenges to come for them. These challenges will break them down, and they will have to learn to come out of it, but when they do, they will be happy.

This will be my last blog post. However maybe a year from now I will come back to say something! This blog is precious to me. It truly is a journal that I can use to look back on, and learn from. A year from now my circumstances will be COMPLETELY changed from what they are now at this very exact moment as my fingers pound my mechanical keyboard. I may be a Marine, I may be a depressed otaku, I might even be dead OR I might even achieve something beyond my wildest dreams. Life is beautiful, not matter how bad things can get there will always be light at the end, and you can reach it as long as you try. If you're not happy with where you are now, you have to ACT to move on.

The purpose of life, at least for me, is to seek true happiness.

God speed, thank you for anyone who reads this.

Life as an Introvert

今を生きて－Asian Kung-Fu Generation

This song is notoriously hard to find...

http://musicpvmw.blog86.fc2.com/blog-entry-8528.html

I've been a fan of that band for so many years now... I probably love them the same way middle aged people love classic rock.

-----------------

Lately I've been coming to terms with a lot of things in my life or at least I think I have. Nothing seems to be in the ”100% certainty category” anymore, especially because I've been contemplating "Life" in general (sometimes I feel like a mountain hermit). My world is small and feels closed off, but really it isn't all that closed off at all.

For the past 2 weeks I haven't talked to my IRL friends very much. Besides a few instances of Facebook or Skype chat, I have been keeping to myself. After reading a forum thread about introverts I realized how many points made in the opening post rang true to me. I've always known that I was an introvert but I never really delved into it and examined myself in that light. Basically this is how it goes. Introverts are not anti-social, they just have a short battery life when it comes to socializing. The way I compare myself to that is how I go out and go party on rare occasions or something as simple as going for lunch with my mates. I can't do it often but I relish the time I spend with my friends when I do. But too much exposure is stifling. I hate myself for doing it sometimes, but I just shut myself in. When my battery is recharged, I come back out of my cave refreshed and ready to take in another dose of "Life".

Coming to terms with that has been difficult. However in the past few weeks of shutting myself in, I've made a few peculiar acquaintances online. Playing an old game called Quake, now remade as Quake Live, I joined a clan on a whim and met some interesting people. This wouldn't have been possible if I had been playing more mainstream games such as SC2 or LoL. Quake is over a decade old, and so there are quite a few older players still playing it. 

I've been happily talking to a 38 year old father, an odd gamer lady of 27 years of age, a guy just slightly older than I working night shifts in tech support, and your typical 15 year old kid. Quite the combination isn't it? I'm used to talking to my usual mates over Skype, because well, I've known them for years and I know them IRL. But this was obviously a new experience for me. 

I still drink. No "buts" about it, I just drink because I enjoy it and it doesn't seem like I'm getting away from it anytime soon... But it's really nice to have a drinking buddy. Even though its over a voice chat haha. Even so,  the experience of drinking with someone online is very real, or surreal I should say. The 38 year old father and I seem to get along quite well, we share our stories, talk about the game we play, we drink, and most importantly we laugh. Plus the fact that there are other members of the clan in the same voice channel makes it all the more merrier. The fact that I could interact with all these different types of people made it very "fun" for me. 

So what's the point of all this? I guess I've begun to accept myself a little more. Lately I've only been trying to change myself, which just isn't working. I don't operate the same way as other people do. My bro and his girlfriend go out so often, I look at that and shake my head and say "No, sorry, that's just not for me." I feel like if I want to go on with life without feeling restless and full of anxiety, I would need to correctly identify with myself. The foundation for my life has already been laid down, that is something I cannot change. Right now I just need to slowly lay down the bricks and understand each and every one of them.

Professors

I wish that there were more capable professors in my university. Or at least I would hope that I would be more likely to stumble across them. The problem I find with my experience is that I have never been challenged on a consistent basis. My last post was on my quip about how easy Information systems was. I don't want to sound so repetitive but the course work was not very demanding at all- even when the professor said it was going to be demanding, or maybe that's because I'm so damn comfortable doing presentations and coming up with ideas for a project in a case-study.

Today marks the last day I will spend in an Accounting course, besides doing the Final (I also noticed I begin blogging when Finals roll around, lol) next week. The professor I had for the course was exceptional. I enjoyed it despite hating Accounting through and through with all my heart. I like it when professors actually give a workload that you would just about expect going into "coolidge". Not to say that this isn't the case at many other universities and different fields, but being a business major, you just don't get enough work. I feel like there's still room for small projects, or just anything to tickle your brain. The brain needs activity, some stimulation.

I like to look at it like I look at running long distance. You can't just get out there and run 6 - 10 miles a day and act like it's nothing. It's easy once you've built up that endurance and the know-how of doing so. In real life there will be many times when you will be stressed.and you'll just want to quit. Sure there are people out there who can just keep chugging along and do their thing, but there's so many more who cannot. "Stress Test" that's what I'd like to call it. School should be a stress test, if you can handle the stresses in school life, and even develop enough maturity to grasp the reality of it all and subdue that stress, then you're going to have better approach to life than most.

But yes, unfortunately we all haven't had this type of education, or maybe we simply weren't disciplined enough to take it. In my case I certainly wasn't disciplined enough. In high school all I ever did was sleep in class, I probably clocked the most hours slept in school in my year. So I never had to deal with much stress besides tensions with my family members. So as a result I had the problem many of us have, procrastination, the avoidance of something that is causing you stress even though you have to face it sooner or later. Learning to deal with it is not an easy process, it takes time for most. Gradually however we begin to realize that doing shit sooner rather than later is so much better than do it last minute.

However I'm a bit of a hypocrite since writing this blog when things need to be done is technically procrastinating haha.

Finals week

Quite a lot of things on my plate this week. A presentation tomorrow, an exam on Thursday, and tooons of studying to do. How much of it do I want to do? Hm, none of it haha.

But there's always a limit to laziness, or at least my own self-imposed limit. Eventually I sit down and grind everything out. I'm also really glad that enjoy typing out long papers. The analysis, the delivery, it's a nice a tickle to the brain. Anyways I was thinking to myself today about how easy my Major is compared to many other majors. 

Information Systems is different from Information Technology. Or should I say the term IT is basically an umbrella term for several branches of Computer Technology related "stuff" and IS is sitting just under it along with Computer Science and Computer Engineering. Although I say IS is relatively easy to work with in University, that doesn't mean it's not important, because really if it weren't important then why is it in the curriculum.

It's an odd relationship of how the workload of a Major has is compared to what you would actually do out there in the world. For example I've noticed that my friends whom are medical students, and grads have their work cut out for them pretty straightforwardly upon stepping onto the plate in the world. One of my friends is a pharmacist, he works late night graveyard shifts a few times a week, simple (yet important) work and he gets paid loooooads. But getting this job required more years in Uni and a ton of actual hard studying and exam taking to achieve. Going over to my field, Information Systems, all I really do is play around with some big conceptual things in business and system development. Then I have use the concepts I have learned to analyze data, and mold it all together into my own short thesis. According to how well I can conceptualize will determine how well I'll do when given actual project to work on in a corporate setting, supposedly.

The only problem with that is the fact that designing and developing a system software is very broad plane to walk on. A lot of things can happen, a lot of things go wrong. You can't effectively train for it, you just have to experience it. Maybe for that reason IS seems so easy as a Major, maybe people haven't found a good way to gauge your competency in IS.

This all only occurred to me once I swapped over to Computer Science for my minor. That shit is hard as fuck.

This Blog

Yeah, I knew it was nice to keep this blog. I don't post anything much anymore which is plainly obvious here but having that thought in the back of my mind that it is here is nice.

It's almost like it was yesterday when I first started "coolidge". Up to this point many things have changed... and many things haven't. I try to approach this blog with positive outlooks. I've noticed during my freshmen year I was a little overly pessimistic and unrealistically ambitious. To counter balance it all, I became more optimistic and far less mister conquistador. But that didn't work out either, I became lethargic and stupid. So once again I have come to this blog again with my mind full of regrets and restless thoughts.

If I had a timeline, with an embedded graph gauging how much maturity I had over the years even including high school, it'd  be a horrible looking upward climb to where I am now. When I look back it's like goddammit what the hell was I thinking? Whether it was years ago, or a few months ago, the question had remained the same.

Pessimism is a necessity, optimism is a luxury, and ambition is something you can have once you understand the first two concepts. That's something I've come up with in order to better protect myself.

When I look around me and I see happy people, I suddenly realize that only 1% or most likely 0% of these people are actually happy. There's always something egging their minds. There is always something. For a select few their issues may be jokingly called "First World Problems" but for many others it's far more morbid. More likely they are only smiling to protect their sanity. Depressing ain't it.

I used to set personal goals for myself. Whether it was drawing, writing, gaming... I do it for a while but now I can't seem to focus entirely one single personal self-improvement project. After a bit of thought I'm thinking to myself "Is this what I really want to do?" The thing about that question is that I believe it may be a trick question. I've answered this in the past with the logic: if it is something you enjoy doing, do it and keep doing it!; but I didn't answer the whole question. Is this what I really want - that is what needs to be taken under consideration. I can't answer that right off the top of my head, it is one of those damned philosophical questions that can't be completely answered through logic and rich linguistics. I think that this can be only answered with actions and once the dust has settled, the thought of "Is this what I really want" should never come up unless someone walks up to you and asks you that specific question. You simply just keep doing it. And in writing this I realize that people can do this already are truly blessed. Without being able to understand this concept I feel like you're just doomed to some empty feeling in your Heart sooner or later in life.

Done and bored

Finals are done, the semester is over. Now I'm bored out of my mind. Still no job yet =_=, but I haven't gone all out on my job hunt quite yet so I'm sure when I get my engine running I'll be able to snag something for the summer.

<3 

It's been a few days since I finished my last final, I didn't do well in one class and it ended up tainting my GPA for the term. I'm pretty bummed out by it, but it's too late to beat myself over it now. It feels pretty weird. I thought I would be so preoccupied with playing video games and whatnot but instead these days have been incredibly stagnant. I went to a LAN party with my fellow comrades on Saturday which was pretty awesome, nothing better than having some beer and dro with your best friends while playing some games. I was actually supposed to go to a family friend party that night as well, but I absolutely cannot stand them anymore. I don't really know any of the people my age there so I was already way outside of their social circle. I probably could have made an effort to fit in but the process of doing so would be pretty damn awkward.

The random shit I draw when I'm bored

I've been drawing a good bit on my bamboo. It's typically a lot of random stuff- hands, arms, legs, torsos... I've found that I needed to go back to my foundations and work on them even more. I don't have a lot of variety when I draw people. Usually it's just a guy or a girl standing doing nothing in particular. Not only that but I also unconsciously avoid trying to put more than one character in the same image. Its odd, but I figure that I'm just not comfortable enough to draw out people like I draw faces. 

More Coloring

Progress is slow with coloring. I'm still a big noobie with the software itself, and then with the concept of coloring it's difficult to make everything go together well. I decided to go back to reference drawings and copy over the way they color in and shade their images. It really depends on the lighting in the drawing, I've seen some super advanced toning and shading done to some images and it looks amazing, trying to copy it is  one hell of a job. 

But practice makes perfect. I like singing as well. It took me like 2 years singing alone in my car before I realized that I was starting to recognize different tones and octaves and began to mimic them. I began understanding what sounded right, and what didn't. In fact it was really easy once I realized that I could just copy the exact notes in a song on the radio to know whether or not I was singing the right note. If it sounds like I was singing in the same voice as the artist in the song then I'm doing a good job, if I clearly hear my voice separating itself from the song, then its awful lol. Now I'm pretty confident in my singing ability. It just kind of happened, because I and probably everybody else enjoys singing their favorite songs. So if I keep working on drawing different things I'm not so good at right now, I'll eventually get better at it.

Finals are almost done, and I bought a Bamboo

Just finished the toughest final for this semester. I breezed through my business ethics and advanced statistics courses easily earlier this week. The real final boss was my accounting final. I hate accounting with a passion, of course it is REALLY important to businesses but it's just an awful subject to study. I really don't know how accounting majors deal with having 2 - 3 courses of it per semester. But alas I studied for a week in advanced, took careful notes to review, and finished it like a boss.

I did every single calculation without second guessing myself, so I'm really confident of at least getting a passing grade for that course. On the other hand, there were a few curve balls on the exam I wasn't expecting. The exam consisted of just a handful of chapters we had gone over at the end of the semester, but the professor had included some material from the very beginning of the semester. It was some sort of debt to asset ratio problems so if I divided the right numbers I should be fine... but again you just never know. You can study your heart out and then end up with a mediocre grade.

Wacom's Bamboo

I seriously don't know why I didn't go out to buy this thing sooner, especially during my artsy phase when I was so motivated to draw and practice my craft. The bamboo is basically a tablet that let's me sketch and draw stuff right onto my computer. So I no longer have to constantly scan and upload my sketches. Plus by doing this it opens up a whole new opportunity to actually add color to my drawings, giving it a finished look. 

Very first sketch with the bamboo

It's pretty difficult at first to try to adapt and adjust to drawing with a tablet. First of all you're no longer looking directly down at your pen or pencil while you draw. It was so awkward to crane my neck up to the computer monitor, my neck actually began to ache a bit too after an hour or so. Also using the pen and maneuvering around the screen is a very tricky endeavor. I spent a good hour just doodling random stuff before settling down to draw out this small picture of this girl. A lot of this is credited to the program I used to sketch in, AutoDesk SketchBook. It did a really good job to simulate how the marks I made would look if I had used a real life medium. So my nice "sketchiness" can be seen even on the image rather the typically dark hard lines you would get if you had used paint. 

Coloring...

My biggest challenge right now is learning how to color... I failed to make myself practice at least painting out random scenery like your typical art student would. It was really embarrassing when I was in my art courses when I had to do some painting with various colors. Coloring and drawing are two huge skillsets. Coloring requires a huge amount of knowledge of how different tones work with each other, and how colors  can be combined in many many different ways to give your image different themes and moods. Like for example you can any image and color in a way to make it either look super realistic or very comically. Plus there's also the technical aspect to this as well since I'm using the software to color in my drawings. Being a complete newbie to both aspects makes coloring a very daunting task... but I'll work on it bit by bit. I was terrible at drawing when I first started but I slowly worked my way up, so it's not an impossible thing to do.

Latest drawing

I'm starting to understand how to use layers... which I believe are one of the core fundamentals to coloring on a computer. I'll have to take a new approach when it comes to doing hair. I tend to include a lot of visible hair strands because I like the look of it but it's not so great when I add color to it. When you look at anime characters they always have their hair filled up with solid colors and only variate when there's a need to show what areas of the hair are affected and not affected by sunlight. That and just learning how to use the software is probably the first step I need to take... 

It's a nice motivator, and it's really fun and fulfilling to draw again after not having done so for so long. I'm also glad my skills haven't decayed too too much haha.

Productive Day

This is what I felt like today.

There are different phases people go through when the Finals week is coming as I have described before. The worrying, the procrastinating, and finally the acceptance and real work. Thanks to my group members being very forward about our final project, I actually got some real work done early for once. I mean I've done work early before, but it's always a nice spectacle to be seen when it does happen. I even wrote out two more cover letters to send out for a job as well, I just haven't actually sent them yet lol..

It's funny how some of the things you need to do are prioritized in such bizarre ways. My applications for internships and jobs are by far more important than preparation for an exam, because once you get your foot in the door- you're set for life (unless you screw up of course). Since I'm a Information Systems Major, I had to do case work and develop a system proposal for a company. I like the project since it seems pretty legit. I mean according to my senpais (grads) the work we've done in class is very very relevant to work in the real world. Hearing that from an actual analyst at a financial investment company is very promising, but of course landing a job like that will be tough.

So while I'm working on that project with my group mates, there's also an odd Sudoku paper I've got to write where I need to explain how I systematically pick apart the puzzle and solve it. I never really liked Sudoku but at least now I can finally say that I've completed a Sudoku puzzle. What I'm particularly worried about right now is my Statistics and my Accounting courses. The grading that was done in my stats course is so weird that I just don't know where I stand in that class anymore. The professor tells me that I'm doing fine, but my grades don't look that way, unless the values are all different. As for Accounting I just need to do very well on this Final in order to get by safely, because I bombed my last exam miserably ;_;. Accounting is so painfully boring, it's probably the most tedious thing to prepare for this semester. 

Besides that my friends have gotten so restless that they've decided to try out another game. One of my friends bought Aion in the past but none of us thought it'd be any good (we thought right) but now that its Free to play we figured it would be a fun way to burn some time. I honestly don't know how I got caught up in it but why not... I need to take breaks and try to have some fun anyway so I guess this will be my outlet for the end of the semester.

Busy Finals Week

Distractions... Distractions everywhere!

It's that time of year again, the few weeks before finals where everyone starts to become a recluse and do nothing but either worry, complain, or actually study for the finals. Honestly I'm not quite too sure what exactly I did this past week either. It felt like an entire month with what I've been doing.

Wake up -> Goto work -> Hit the bar

I think I mentioned it before in one of my blogs since I've come back, but my friend's awesome extravagant birthday party was last week. It was really fun. I don't even understand why it was so much fun, but I guess when you get so drunk with your friends things are more fun than they should be. I remember just chatting and playing a few games of beer pong. A few of my other friends opted to just smoke A LOT of weed. I mean they must have gone through like 6+ joints in that one night, crazy guys. Towards the end of the party I remember just walking around and eventually hung around my poker buddy who was playing heads up texas hold 'em with like $300 on two tables lol. I couldn't believe he was playing with that much money as he drank, but somehow he actual made a profit which was pretty mind blowing haha. Then once most of the crowd left I vaguely remember playing a 1v1 game of Starcraft 2 with him, and it only hit me then that I was probably going to pass out cold. To avoid sleeping on the floor I walked over to a bed and just fell over and passed out. I didn't know at first but as morning came I realized that I was sleeping next to a girl I hardly even knew, and she kept stealing the damn blanket... My buddies teased me for sleeping next to her the day after but it's really not much of a deal.

I wish I had played more beer pong, beer pong is a great way to get to know people and socialize since it breaks the ice for you. I remember just walking up to people and just talking to them at the last party, but it's a lot easier to do when you're more sober. Plus my Asian glow is very noticeable and I feel like it's kind of unattractive lol. But all in all it was fun, it's just a shame I couldn't get to know people more. There will be more opportunities at least.

Now I'm sitting in my school's library again, trying to study, but of course I am distracted by this and various other forms of media. I also still haven't heard back from companies I applied for internships for, so I hope they at least respond to me sometime before the semester ends.

Anime Boston 2012

So I just got back from going on a massive shopping spree during the three day duration of Anime Boston. I must say it is nice to have money at this point in life lol. Yes... I could have saved that money to pay off debts but man you just have to let go sometimes.

I bought a TON of stuff. I bought 4 volumes of Twin Spica, several artbooks, a bunch of T-Shirts, a few small posters, an autographed poster of Ito Kanako along with her latest album that literally came out a week ago, and three HUGE wallscrolls. I also managed to get a few charms here and there, an awesome Sena bag, specifically designed for convention life if I may add.

These wall scrolls were a lot bigger than I thought they were...

This year's convention was one hell of a harvest for me. My walls are completely decorated with stuff, it's really a great sight. The scrolls make up for their lower quality for their large size. I don't remember the exact measurements but it went along the lines of 44 inches x 30 inches, something like that. Having three of those around my room really made it much more colorful. At times like these when I want to take some pictures for whatever reason it is I wish I had a real camera (Canon). Because my camera phone just isn't all that great.

A medium sized high quality print

Besides the wall scroll I also had several of these smaller prints. They look just fantastic. I think this year I was just very lucky to bump into a dealer that had good connections to getting legitimate merchandise from high level circles in Japan. There was also a Sena artbook that I had bought with some amazing pictures. It really blew away everyone out of the artists alley here in Boston. I kinda felt bad for the artists next to the dealer because me and my friend were just raving about how high quality her goods were. I even got a free print because of my referrals =). 

A K-ON! Music Box

(lol @konata in the background)

The K-ON! music box that I bought was probably the most endearing piece of merchandise I took away from the convention. It plays a really melancholic tune with the traditional chimes from a typical old music box. That chime in conjunction with one of the tamer songs from K-ON! makes me feel really relaxed, it's quite nice. 

My gaming setup and MLG Mousepad

While I was taking pictures around my room I decided to take a picture of my desk as well. It's been a while since I took a pic of it, because I remember doing so a long time ago to post it on a teamliquid thread where everyone showed off their gaming setups haha. I'm pretty happy with what I have got right now. I've got an Insignia speaker setup for some awesome surround sound when  I play Starcraft or watch Starcraft. 

In fact on the monitor is the IPL tournament broadcasting live. I was in the middle of putting up my posters while I watched it. The keyboard is one of my prides as well, it's a mechanical keyboard. I bought it for $129, pretty hefty price for just a keyboard but it was well worth it. There are definitely better alternatives out there, but I just settled for the slightly cheaper Black Widow. It changed my typing experience forever, people's reviews for mechanical keyboards VS normal regular membrane keyboards are 100% right. You'll never want to go back lol. 

My MLG mousepad is stained with wine and various other foods unfortunately... I'm really disappointed in myself for getting it so dirty, but it's tough not to when you're drunk tbh. I have a ton of pro gamer autographs on it, if it weren't so dirty this mouse pad would be worth quite a lot of money.

Well that's it for now, it's starting to get late so maybe I'll put up the other stuff I bought later. 

What a Wonderful World!

What a Wonderful World by Asano Inio

So I finally found it. This is the manga full of short stories about how morbid life can be for some people. I couldn't get it off my mind after mulling over it in one blog post a week back. As I said before I left off the manga when it came to a short story about a college student that spent most of her days lazing and occasionally going to work, then at night she would drink, relying on the drink to put her to sleep. What scared me about it was how strikingly similar it was to my own life. The reason why people drink at night after a long day of work or school, is to get their worries off their minds in order to fall asleep safely and soundly. Which is why I drink alone at night, there's a lot of things I worry about.

But really it's just another escape unfortunately- I must admit it. When I finally dug this title back up from the huge library that is mangareader.net, I went straight back to where I left off. The short story was actually shorter than the others, maybe for a reason. It was really anti-climatic, because I was looking for an answer to my anxiety, and my lackluster lifestyle of being laidback as fuck. The answer was really simple I guess. The main character of that story met up with her boyfriend the next morning after a night drinking. The had some small talk, and without any dialogue the girl came to a revelation by herself after reflecting on her own life and the lives of people around her. Finally she turned to her boyfriend and said "I'm going to quit drinking".

It was that simple, just stop drinking. When you drink in the way she and I have been drinking, we're basically running away from "Tomorrow". We're looking for a way to freeze time just so we can live in the present and enjoy our carefree lifestyle. But by doing that, it halts our progress in life ever so slightly, and the more you do it the more you're stunting your own growth. 

So guess what I did last night? I didn't drink. The past week I've been drinking everyday. I missed a few classes because I simply didn't need to attend them. But that's the wrong attitude to have, because again like I said- drinking and not moving forward to your "Tomorrow" is going to stunt your growth, and hell I'll say it, it might even ruin your life. 

Today was an amazing day, it really was. First of all from a dietitians standpoint, I'm not devouring 2 glasses of empty calories so it was great for my diet and my workout. My mind was also not cluttered with thoughts of being lazy, I wanted to do work. It felt great to have some motivation after sitting on my ass all week. Just  now I just wrote out another cover letter and sent my resume to another job opening! Hopefully I land this one...

Touch Typing

"Shingeki no Kyojin"

A great shounen manga I found, it has won some awards as well, fully deserving of them

Thought I should at least what I've been reading for each of my entries to spice it up. Walls of text are so unattractive although they are my very own. Anyways back to my topic today.

Lately the past few days I've been getting more and more accustomed to touch typing. For as long as I can remember I've always been typing with a tiger claw like stance lol. Which is basically just three fingers from each hand. It seems like the WPM for that kind of typing caps up at around 60 WPM. I say that because I've been typing this way for years, and naturally I'd assume that I'm pretty damn good at it lol.

The toughest part about adjusting to touch typing is the fact that you need to use all of your fingers. With my tiger claw style my index and middle fingers saw the most action, that leaves my ring and pinky fingers out of the loop- especially the pinky fingers. I have to hit "a" and "p" for the most part with my pinkies and also of course shift, quotes, and apostrophes. So it was really tough in the beginning but as I keep practicing my fingers gradually get used to it.

Touch typing easily the superior way to type. I mean even when I was struggling I was still managing to punch out 30 - 40 WPM, so once I'm up to speed the sky is the limit for my WPM. Exactly do I want more WPM? Well for one thing I want to be able to deliver trash talk quicker when I play games lol. Another is obviously for  just the overall convenience of it. You're always typing, and when you touch type and do it well in class or at work, it makes a good impression. Employers like productive employees after all. As for writing papers and such it's not exactly that important to type fast, but if you're like me and you just know what you need to hammer out onto your Microsoft word, having fast WPM helps. It's also more accurate for spelling as well.

Even after spending years of typing improperly I still make tons of mistakes, because often I make a typo and do realize until I look up at the screen. Right now I'm doing this entire blog with touch typing, and so far it's great practice since I shit out a wall of text each time I blog. Other than that there's not much to talk about today. It's been a long day at work, I've only got 3 more hours before I get out @_@.

Another end of the week

This week has been quite uneventful. Usually something comes up that completely blindsides me. I remember last week after returning to class after skipping just one day, an exam was to be done on that day. I didn't do a lick of studying. But to be honest I didn't really need to. It was a statistics exam so it dealt with regression analysis, forecasting, and weighted moving averages to project information for next year's business period. It's very easy stuff once you understand what it's used for. It's just a tool to help out on making financial decisions. Like for regression there's these r^2, F-values, and p-values those are very intuitive ways to just determine just how accurate your regression model is, but people look at it like its poison.

Ok to be honest if you had to do the calculations out yourself and not on excel, it'd be a pain in the ass, and it would take a good amount of practice to breeze right through the calculations. However, the course I'm in is the next level of statistics, the level where you put that math to real use. In the real world we don't have to do those calculations, they are already done for us through the means of excel and etc. But people are still terrible at it. When the professor stepped out the room (I still have no clue why he does it) nearly everyone except for the two sitting next me start asking for answers from each other blatantly cheating. IT'S OPEN BOOK AND OPEN NOTES FOR CHRIST SAKE! The professor just wants us to fully understand the concepts we learn in class, because he's just being real, when you get the job you just need to know how to use your tools.

Well that was a little off tangent, but there's not much else going on this week since my random episode of anxiety. I've been drinking a little more than usual this week since I knew for a fact that I didn't have any obligations the following morning, although it would be nice if I could wake up earlier and spend that time productively. The drinking also destroys my diet. Each glass of wine I shove down my throat is around 250 calories. I've adjusted by eating very little during lunch and and dinner, but I'm still getting very poor nutritional value out of it overall. Not to mention I slacked off on running for the week as well @_@. Which is even worse in my opinion.

I've set a goal to run around 15+ miles each week. About 3 miles every other day and a mile in between is all I ever needed. So this week I've only done three, I've been meaning to do 3 yesterday but my friends intervened and I really didn't want to go running at 11 PM at night. Hopefully I'll be able to get out of this slump by running hard today and tomorrow. If I can at least get 9 miles done, then that'd be fine. On a good note I've worked out my upper body at least since it takes up significantly less time than running.

I really can't wait for nest week to come. Because it's that time of the year again, the time when the Anime Convention rolls around. More specifically Anime Boston, which has a great ring to it. I've got more money this time around so I'll be sure to purchase some more goodies, like a K-ON! clock and more posters. My friend keeps bugging me to try to cosplay for this year, but cosplay really just isn't for me haha.

The Magic Words

"Don't worry" - Those are the magic words an adult says to a child to calm them down. It's as if everything in the world will go back in order with those words. However, when a child is no longer a child it's quite frightening to see that magic become broken. I actually came up with these magic words through reading a light novel. I'm really glad that I've moved from watching anime, to reading manga, and now presently I'm reading light novels- basically the real origin of all our favorite shows.

Right now I'm reading Toradora!. Reading a light novel is pretty no different from reading a book, except you're reading a book heavily influenced by the Japanese culture. Thinking about my taste of Anime since my middle school years, they've evolved according to how I matured.

Of course back in my middle school days I was enamored with ecchi lol. Well that shouldn't be a surprise, every boy going through puberty will start getting extremely interested in the opposite sex, although I can't say that that's the healthiest way to be interested haha. Going into high school, my taste broadened, and being the higher level nerd than most I began taking great care to dissect the shows I watched and promoted the great shows that came out from the 2000 - 2007 era. I basically watched nearly everything and also began reading mangas. I even checked out a ton of shoujo series, which was fun since my girl friends were really able to relate to them rather than my other genres catered towards men.

My early college years were horrific. Especially freshman year, one way to describe it is just me being pessimistic in a really facetious way. Quite embarrassing really, but that's not to say that when I get all moody it's not as equally as silly lol. I partly blame it on my lack of foresight and the ridiculous satire manga I read. The shit I read was poison. It was really scary, I mean at one point I remember very clearly that there was one short story (the artist followed a short story format) about a woman around the same age as I was who had the same issues when it came to drinking, half-heartedly taking classes, and basically just living a very a carefree lifestyle.

That scared the crap out of me lol. So I stopped reading brooding gloomy mangas full of satire. Although now sometimes I feel like returning to that one short story and seeing how it ended... yeah it was that frightening close to my life that I just had to stop. Nowadays I just read and watch comedy. Laughing is great. Laughing is one of the best remedies to a salty mood. But if I ever feel like digesting something more potent, I read light novels. Although the story and setting seem albeit a bit childish, the author is not, and when they share their thoughts on some things in life it's an interesting read,

Toradora!, despite it catering to high school students- the author really tried to assert himself into the book. His own life questions and such, so it was a really surprisingly good read. I've been reading it for the past month now, just on my commute to work and school. I shouldn't be too surprised that the book is finally coming to and end. An hour worth of reading everyday is enough to bring me to the end of the book. I just hope my next book will be as enjoyable.

Getting Back

Well it looks like the work/school week has started up again.

After the whole ordeal over the weekend I was left feeling pretty rattled. I really needed to decompress. Sometimes I just don't know why I get caught up in things. It doesn't happen often, but when it does- it sucks. But as I have stated before, maybe I just need to learn how to enjoy life more than grumbling over to silly stuff. The problem with that is, by trying to release all your stress, either by partying and drinking, or just shutting yourself up away from the outside world, you're avoiding reality.

However, as pessimistic I am, I can't deny that there will be a time when I seriously just need to relax. Maybe I'll be a happier person if I had a girlfriend. Or maybe I'll be even more miserable? If I really had to choose a type of girl that I would want then it'd probably would be one that could understand what I really want to say or how I really feel. Fuck me for that being my number one priority in a girl, all my other guy friends just want to have sex, no surprise there. Unfortunately for me that approach is probably the only way to get a girl interested at this stage in life. It'd be too weird to have a guy who likes to talk so pessimistically. After all most people are just looking to have fun... didn't I talk about this before a long time ago?

I'm going to go to a party in a few weeks. Knowing the way my friend likes to run his parties, it'll be a wild one. I just want to see how I am now when it comes to drinking with a large group of people. In years past I'm known to get violent when I'm drunk.  Since then I've avoided parties for that reason, and going to a party without having a drink yourself fucking sucks balls. So I drank alone. I don't get completely shitfaced but I do get relatively drunk.

I just looked up the subject of drinking alone. It seems I'm not the only one, in fact I'm far from the only one who thinks that this whole drinking alone habit is a bad thing to do. It really just isn't. In fact I'm 100% that this it's just a taboo created by society to give judgment to those who practice such a thing with great prejudice. It's like hey, I drink a glass of wine every night, "YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC OMG" that's the average reaction you get when you tell someone that you drink alone.

But whatever that not's the point. The point of this blog entry was to outline the nice stuff that happened to me this weekend.

I went shopping with a few friends. Got drunk, friend drives me home. I'm nice and cozy and content. The end.